


Strength

by vvolfandhound



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bi!James Potter, Boarding School, Child Abuse, Gay!Regulus Black, Homophobia, M/M, Queer Themes, Suicidal Thoughts, Texting, Trans Visibility, Transfemale!Lily Evans, Transmale!Sirius Black, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-04-24
Updated: 2016-06-27
Packaged: 2018-03-25 13:24:46
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3812146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vvolfandhound/pseuds/vvolfandhound
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It was probably a stupid idea to text a random number and expect them to listen to his woes, but that was what Sirius Black did and he was glad he did so. He got to meet Remus Lupin, after all.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The First Text

**Author's Note:**

> If it seems like there are any lines missing, tell me so; something wonky happened and some of the lines were missing. I think I got it fixed but I'm only human so if you notice anything, it'd be appreciated if you could inform me.
> 
> Bold is Sirius, italics are Remus.

**I have no idea who you are and you probably don’t care but I need to talk.**

_What’s wrong?_

**Everything**

**Just everything.**

**And I’m thinking of ending it.**

_I’m here._

**Good.**

**I just need to talk to someone.**

**My friends wouldn’t understand.**

**They don’t really listen anyways.**

**My family is a part of the problem.**

**So they’re out of the question.**

**Teachers are a no**

**Some hate my guts and would be glad I’m gone.**

_No one should be glad about someone’s death._

**I know.**

**Basic human morality right?**

**Where I’m from though**

**Morals don’t exist.**

**I go to this boarding school**

**And last year a girl was raped by one of the boys**

**Everyone knew who did it**

**Piece of shit named Alban Mulciber**

**Nothing happened**

**Cops were turned away at the gate.**

**And don’t even get me started about my family**

**They’re the worst.**

**My parents are first cousins.**

**I was locked in the attic without food for a week**

**All I did was burp at the dinner table in front of Aunt Lucretia and her husband.**

**My best friend is a bully.**

**I’ve tried to stop him and all he does is snorts.**

**People think it’s funny.**

**I get strange looks when I didn’t play along and things happened**

**My books disappeared**

**My knickers were strung up in the Great Hall**

**So I have to play along.**

_Wow._

**I know.**

**I wonder why I bother sometimes.**

_I’d say things will get better but I can’t see the future._

**At least your honest.**

_I try my best._

**I appreciate it.**

**Sick of lies and false promises.**

**James: I’ll stop Pads, I swear**

**Mum: I love you sweetie**

**Da: Your mum will get better**

**Reg: Mum and da love you, things will get better**

**It’s stupid.**

**We’re all fucked.**

_The most accurate statement I’ve ever read._

**_Thanks._ **

_This world you live in…_

**I call it Crazyland**

_Good one. Whatever it is, it needs to burn and you need to get out of it._

**I’ve tried, believe me.**

**First time I ran away: nine.**

**Nine yr olds don’t really know right and wrong yet I knew my family was wrong**

**Thought school would be great cause it wouldn’t be family**

**It’s the bloody same.**

**And you can’t leave.**

**They promise you so much, make it sound so good**

**All lies.**

**Well, as long as you have morals.**

**You’re fine if you don’t.**

**I fall for it every time though.**

_The heart wants what it wants and it can be hard to deny._

**How do I get out?**

**Right now I have one solution**

**And I don’t really want to go through with it.**

_Suicide is not the answer._

**I know.**

**Just.**

**At least they can’t lure me back.**

_I know how you feel. I’ve been where you are. I have the scars. It’s not the answer._

**Have you?**

**My own brother’s never been where I am.**

**He has morals, I know he does.**

**He’s just better at hiding them, playing along.**

**He supports me.**

**Just not around anyone else.**

_I have been where you are. I’ve been lured in with promises of it will get better but in situations like mine and yours, it doesn’t. You have to remove yourself and you have to be strong._

**I’m not strong though.**

**I have a pair of trousers in my closet but I’ve never worn them**

**I know what happens if I do.**

**I let my mum do my makeup and pretend like I don’t hate it.**

_You are strong though, being afraid doesn’t change that._

**Doesn’t it?**

_It doesn’t._

**You’ve been where I’ve been right?**

**How’d you get out?**

_I ran. I ran far, turned off my phone, and didn’t look back. My foster father has no idea where I am anymore which means he can’t touch me. Molest me._

_It’s hard though. I don’t deny that. I tried over and over and over but I couldn’t leave. He was good with words. They were all fake but at least they were pretty. But eventually I did. I just took a little push from someone else._

**Push?**

_A good friend told me if I kept going the way I was, I was going to die. Dragged me up to her room, made me take off my shirt and pointed to each one of my scars, bruises, and wounds while telling me all the ways I could die from them. And when I say every way, I mean she dragged at her medical text books and read aloud each infection, their symptoms, and how they would kill me._

**How old were you?**

_Sixteen. It was only a year ago._

**We’re the same age.**

**I’m seventeen too.**

_Well see? You can do it! I did it, you can too._

**But where would I go?**

**My friends would understand me leaving my family**

**But they’re still a part of Crazyland.**

_A youth hostel? I’m not sure. My friend lent me the money to leave and get an apartment and then I got night shifts working at a petrol station._

**Money’s not an issue**

**My family’s loaded**

**Money does not equal morality**

**I guess I could leave the country**

**America’s pretty open, innit?**

**And America wouldn’t know I was born female.**

_I suppose you could go to a new country. The Americans do think British accents are sexy._

**Not the point.**

_No, it’s not. Me and my foster father lived in small villages because he hated cities. So I moved to a city. Move somewhere your parents hate?_

**Soho?**

_Would you be able to afford Soho if they cut you off?_

**No.**

_Try again then._

**The East End, I suppose.**

**But I really don’t know it that well.**

_I didn’t know Aberdeen but I went anyway. Swan Meadows is nothing great (terrible, actually) but it beats back there._

**Swan Meadows?**

**Isn’t that the bad part of Aberdeen?**

_Indeed._

**So if I moved to the East End, it’d still be better than home?**

_That was the point of that statement._

**Cool.**

**Thanks for this**

**It meant a lot.**

**I thought it was stupid**

**But it was just an idea**

**And it was this or kill myself**

**So I did this**

**And I’m glad I did.**

_I’m glad you did too._

**Can I text you again?**

**If I have problems that is.**

_Feel free to._

**Thanks.**

_You’re welcome._


	2. The Second Text

[Tuesday, October 4th – Morning]

Sirius Black woke to the shrill ringing of school bells. It was the late bell of course. You’d think it’d be smart to have a wake up bell at a boarding school but nope, not where he went. They were strange like that.

The girl’s dormitory was empty, his roommates, Marlene, Emily, Alice, and Dorcas, having left without him. It wouldn’t be the first time it had happened. Crazyland, as he loved to call it, loved its gender segregation. The girls stuck with the girls, and the boys stuck with the boys because none of the girls headed there way for non-romantic, non-sexual reasons. Unless you were Sirius Black of course.

He didn’t conform to the world of British elite. The cruelty, the phobia, the discrimination – he hated it. In return, it hated him. The girls avoided him (“slut,” they called him, not bothering with hiding it) because he hung out with boys. Boys hit on him because if he was hanging with the other boys, of course he was easy. It wasn’t possibly because his friends were male and he was male. Transmen didn’t exist. He didn’t exist. There was only She.

_She_ being the born Sirius Black. The Sirius Black who wore b-cups, pleated skirts, and knee-length dress. The Sirius Black who coloured her lids and cheeks the same pink as her lips. The Sirius Black who was mother’s darling little girl. _She_ was all that existed in the world that surrounded him, even when She was _He_.

Because there was only _She_ he put on the grey skirt that reached his knees, hooked the clasps on his too-small yet too-big white bra, ran a comb through his waist-length black hair, applied the red lip rouge and green eye shadow, tied his red and gold tie, and slipped on his two-inch heels. What he saw in the mirror was everything he was and was not. It made him sick, made him want to cry, but instead he took a deep breath and headed to class where the teachers scowled at his tardiness, gave him detention, and call him _Miss Black._

* * *

 

[Tuesday October 4th – Afternoon]

_I talked to a friend of mine today, told her about you last night and stuff and then it hit me I should’ve probably asked you this first: what pronouns do you use?_ _I assumed he/him but if I’m wrong, please let me know._

Sirius blinked at the text messages. Standing in a third-floor corridor that was out of bounds and usually patrolled by the school’s caretaker and his cat, Sirius couldn’t be more surprised.

He hadn’t expected the boy from last night to contact him and he hadn’t expected him to care about his preferred pronouns.

It made him smile.

**Yeah, male or neutral pronouns are fine, just not female.**

_Cor. Didn’t want to get that wrong; it’s pretty important and all. I’m not that bothered by pronouns but I’m technically male but if you called me she I wouldn’t care._

Sirius smiled again, this time with amusement. It wasn’t at the stranger of course; he didn’t care what his pronoun choice was. He was amused by the fact if he called James a she, he’d never hear the end of it.

“I’m not a bloody girl,” James would say. “They’re all disgusting and only good for sex.” Then he would remember who he was speaking too and mumble an apology.

**Cor.**

**You’re friend, what’d you tell her?**

_I’m sorry,_ the stranger quickly responded. _I didn’t even ask you if it was okay. Sorry, sorry, I won’t do it again._

**It’s fine. Just curious.**

_Oh. Cor. I just wanted to talk about it – not every day you stop someone from, y’know. I was a bit shaken. It was my doctor friend I told you about, the one that got me out of my situation. She has PH.Ds in both general medicine and psychology and I just wanted to know if I did last night right._

**You did.**

_Cor._

_I feel like I’m saying that a lot. I can stop if you want. You’re probably busy anyway._

**Nah, it’s fine.**

**Pleasant surprise actually – dealing with shit from this kid named Severus. I dated him two years ago, told him about my gender thing, and he’s been using it against me ever since.**

**I was crying when you texted. I’m not anymore, so thanks.**

_Sorry about that. If you wanna talk I’m here or I could give you Poppy’s number._

_Poppy’s my doctor friend, by the way._

**I think I’ll be fine with just you but I might take you up on the offer later.**

_Kay. She said she’d be happy to listen too._

**I’ve got to go, classes and all, but ttyl?**

_Yeah. See you later._

* * *

 

Hey.

**Hey.**

You looked in pretty bad yesterday?

**I was in a bad place.**

Oh. You want to talk?

**I talked about it with someone else.**

Who?

**I don’t know they’re name. Just some random number I texted – the guy on the other end was really kind.**

**He asked me about my preferred pronouns today.**

That’s good. I’m here to talk, y’know.

**Only when we’re alone.**

Rocking the boat isn’t going to do anyone any good.

**Whatever you say, little bro.**

**James wants to hang.**

**Ciao.**

Sirius!

Brother?

* * *

 

“Your distant today, Siri,” James said. They were sitting beneath a willow, the Hanging Willow as it was collectively referred to around school, where those who couldn’t handle it anymore came to die. It was a morbid and ironic place to be hanging out at the day after he’d almost ended his life, but James of course, did not know that.

“Just wondering who puts more time into their hair,” Sirius said, poking his friend’s afro. James grunted, shooting a glare in his mate’s direction.

“You, of course.” Sirius rolled his eyes. “Birds always put more time into their hair.”

He didn’t let his feelings towards that comment show on his face. James didn’t know and James had made it clear, though not by intention, that he didn’t want it made clear to him. Sirius loved James as a brother, but James was thick-headed and like the whole of the British elite, religious and for some reason that he didn’t comprehend, God evidently cared if you went about claiming you’re a boy when you have boobs.

“Yeah, sure,” Sirius said and they laughed like it was nothing because, to James, it was nothing and to Sirius, it should be nothing.

* * *

 

[Wednesday October 5th – Mid-morning]

**Music.**

_Music?_

**Yeah, music. What music do you like?**

_Embarrassing. Totally not something I’m admitting to._

**Fine, I’ll go first.**

**My favorite song is Your Emotions by Dead Kennedys.**

**I’m totally into punk music.**

**I have a playlist on my phone of music that describes my life – lots of angry shit with guitar solos and shouting.**

**Your turn.**

_Your music choices are respectable. Mine are not._

**Try me. I’m not the type to judge.**

_Fine. I’ll get to liking one song or musician and then listen to them/it on repeat for months. Right now it’s Landon Pigg. Previously it was Let It Go and all the international versions of that song. Before that was Matchbox 20._

_See? Not respectable._

**Hey, I don’t judge. Landon Pigg, though? Who’s he?**

_Indie pop, American._

**Ah. Indie. Never been into the indie scene.**

_If I have a music scene, it’s indie. Let It Go and Matchbox 20 were flukes._

**Let It Go is awesome. Do not be ashamed of that. It’s a song on my playlist and I’ll admit whole heartedly to that.**

_I won’t._

**Well you should. Repression is never good.**

**Anyway, gtg. Classes with giggling girls and brainless boys.**

_Good luck._

_And run when you can._

* * *

 

[Wednesday October 5th – Early evening]

“Sirius!”

Sirius stopped mid-stride, turning to look in the direction his brother’s voice had come from. There, in all his acceptable glory, was Regulus with his trousers and loafers and green and silver tie.

“Bro,” Sirius said, a sneer curling his lips. “What’d you want? I was headed to dinner.”

“I know,” Regulus responded. He held up a brown paper sack. “Wanted to talk; thought we could eat on the grounds.” Sirius shrugged his shoulders, grabbed the bag from his brother, and they set out across the grounds.

* * *

 

[Wednesday October 5th – Evening]

**Emergency.**

_Hm?_

**Crisis.**

**Help.**

**Now.**

_What’s going on? Severus was it?_

**No, not him. It’s Reg.**

_Reg?_

**My brother.**

_What’s going on?_

**My brother and I were talking**

**Alone of course because he doesn’t want anyone to know that I’m not a girl and he’s not bloody straight.**

**Basically, he came out to me.**

_That’s good innit? I fail to see the crisis here._

**He fancies my best friend too.**

_Okay. Do you fancy your friend too? Is that the problem?_

**No, that’s not the problem. Promised to play matchmaker even.**

**The problem is mum and da.**

**They hate me as is, even without the boy thing, but Reg… they love him and he loves them. When they find out…**

**I can’t protect him basically. He’s going to get hurt.**

_Ah._

**That’s all you have to say?**

_I’m thinking._

_Okay, here goes – You can’t protect your brother from everything. This Crazyland sounds like a place the looks for every opportunity to hurt its tenants. He’s going to get hurt. You’ve been hurt. What you can do though is be there to support him and heal him when he is hurt._

**I guess.**

**It’s just I don’t want him to be hurt in the first place.**

_We can’t always have what we want._

**I know.**

**I just.**

**You know.**

_You don’t want him hurt. That’s a good reaction but reality is cruel._

**Yeah, it is. Fuck.**

_Fuck. The one word that describes life._

**Indeed.**

**Thanks, for calming me down.**

_Of course. Poppy says I’m a rather calming force. I don’t believe anything good about me by default but if there was one thing I wanted to be true, it would be that one._

**Self-esteem issues? Really? How  cliché.**

_You try not having self-esteem issues after everything my foster father said to me._

**Fuck, sorry. I didn’t mean anything. Sorry.**

_jfc It was a joke. I’m not the sensitive type._

**Oh. Sorry.**

_Leave the pointless apologising to me, ay?_

**Okay.**

_Kay. I’ve got to get ready for work so ttyl._

**Good luck.**

* * *

 

[Thursday October 6th – Past midnight]

**I know you’re at work but I just wanted to let you know that I’ve decided not to leave just yet. I’ve got to be there for my brother.**

**But we’ve made a plan.**

**This summer, after I graduate, I’m gonna start looking for apartments. Then, once I’ve found one and he graduates, he’ll move in with me and we’ll come out to mum and da.**

_Not a bad plan. Be safe though._

**Thanks. And I will.**

_Cor. GTG_

**Bye.**


	3. The Third Text

[Thursday October 6th – Mid-morning]

_ Hi, my name is Lily and Remus gave me your number because he mentioned you were trans and might want to talk about it. I’m trans too (male to female though) and I know how it was for me and all I wanted was someone to talk to so if you want to talk, I’m here. _

Sirius blinked at his phone. Remus? Was that the stranger he’d been talking to with a quirky taste in music? What type of name was Remus though, besides one from mythology? But then, what right did he have in criticizing names? His name was bloody Sirius.

And this Lily… he’d never spoken to another trans person except for in online message boards and while it was nice, there was a certain anonymity in internet chatrooms that made him uncomfortable. She was a friend of Remus though so she must be nice.

“What’ya looking at?” James asked, peering of Sirius’ shoulder. Sirius quickly exited to the home screen before throwing his head back and bopping James’ in the nose. “OW!”

“You deserved it,” Sirius hissed over the clacking of heels.

“And the both of you deserve detention,” stated their English teacher, Minerva McGonagall. “My office tonight at eight.”

* * *

 

[Thursday October 6th – Noon]

**Your name is Remus?**

_How’d you know that?_

**Lily.**

_Ah. Probably should’ve mentioned to her we didn’t actually know each other’s names._

**Hah, yeah. Mine’s Sirius.**

_Sirius? Are there any rules that come with that name?_

**Nah, some puns, but no rules.**

**My family loves the stars for some strange reason. My dad’s Orion, my mother’s Walburga, and my brother is Regulus. It’s pretty stupid.**

_Are you thinking about changing your name when you come out?_

**No.**

**It may be a stupid name, but it’s mine. And unisex.**

**Do you have a twin named Romulus?**

_I assume I was supposed to. My mum never told me either way before she died._

**Oh**

**Sorry.**

_Not your fault. And leave the apologising to me, plz._

**Oh right.**

**I’d apologise for forgetting but that’s your job.**

_Har har. I apologise for you._

**Thank you love.**

_Love? Really?_

**Yes, love. We’re Brits after all.**

_I’m a Scot you numpty._

**Scot?**

**How thick is the accent?**

_I’m not sure I want to say._

**Pretty please with cherries on top?**

_I don’t write like how I talk at all. You probably wouldn’t understand me in person._

**Good to know.**

**Thanks for giving Lily my number, btw.**

**Haven’t texted her back ‘cause I haven’t had the time but thanks.**

_It was Lily’s insistence actually. Mentioned you and she did everything short of torturing me to get your number. Be warned, she’s very opinionated and she doesn’t forgive easily so don’t cross her._

**Kay.**

**I know this probably sounds weird but thanks for using her preferred pronouns.**

**Like it pisses me off when people don’t.**

_It’d piss me off if I was in the same situation too – at least, I think._

**Just thanks. It meant a lot when you asked me about mine.**

_Well of course. I’m not some jerk that thinks I know you better than you do._

**Just thanks.**

_You’re welcome._

* * *

 

[Saturday October 8th – Noon]

Sirius didn’t really have any plans for that Saturday, when the students of Hogwarts School for the Gifted (and Rich) got to hop down to the town of Hogsmeade right at the base of the school. He and James usually stop by Zonko’s Toy Shoppe, a little place where they stock up on their pranking supplies, Spintwitches, a sports shop, Honeydukes, the candy shop, and the Three Broomsticks, the local pub where if you ask nicely enough, the barmaid Rosmerta won’t card you when you ask for a beer. That wouldn’t be happening this weekend though as James had a date with Marlene.

He couldn’t hang with Regulus either – the little shit had gotten himself a detention for dropping Severus’ books in the toilets. Well, Sirius actually approved of that one but Regulus was out of the question either way.

He’d considered hitting up little Peter Pettigrew for a date (the boy couldn’t hide his crush even if he bothered to try) but that didn’t appeal either.

So Saturday found Sirius strolling through Hogsmeade, alone and frowning. People chattered around him, completely oblivious to his misery as they always were. At least this time, the misery didn’t stem from his dysphoria but his extraversion.

It wasn’t like he could check out his usual haunts. He wouldn’t be caught dead in any of those places without James – people would talk otherwise, making him out to be the pining ex who James finally had the sense to dump. People talked enough as was; he didn’t feel like adding fuel to the fire.

His indecision fled though when Severus rounded the corner, flanked by Alban Mulciber and Lucius Malfoy. Sirius darted into the nearest shop, hoping to a God who wouldn’t listen that his ex hadn’t seen him.

It was Dominic Maestro’s, the music shop.

Sirius shrugged his shoulders; at least it wasn’t the New Age shop.

* * *

 

[Saturday October 8th – Early Evening]

**Ever heard of Good Shoes or Admiral Fallow?**

_The second is a Scot band, but that’s all I know._

**They’re indie rock.**

_I’m more Indie pop or singer-song writer._

**Ah.**

**I was just in a music shop and checked out the indie section.**

**They didn’t seem too bad.**

_“Too bad” I feel judged._

**I looked for Landon Pigg.**

**They didn’t have him.**

**I Googled him though.**

**Nice voice.**

_Indeed. And not too bad looking if I might add._

**For some reason I picture that you look like him.**

**Him or Andrew Garfield.**

_Think Luke Newberry._

**That’s even better.**

_Indeed. You seen In the Flesh?_

**No.**

**I want to though.**

**Look’s awesome.**

_It is awesome. Save ITF all the way._

**Well, you have good taste in TV at least.**

**Better than Sherlock.**

_Blergh. The misogyny of the show creators turns me off._

**Me too.**

_So music? How are the bands?_

**Not bad. Fallow is better than Shoes though.**

_We Scots are good._

**We Brits are even better.**

_Not musically, it seems._

**Says the guy playing an American on repeat.**

_Touché._

* * *

 

[Monday October 10th – Noon]

**Chemistry sucks.**

**The teacher sucks.**

**His favourite student?**

**One of the worst people on the face of the planet.**

_Beautiful texts to wake up to on a Monday._

**It’s 3 in the afternoon.**

_And I start work at eight in the evening and get done at four in the morning._

**Slughorn can go die in a hole.**

**Severus too.**

_I assume Slughorn is the teacher and Severus is his favourite student._

**Yeah.**

_Ah._

_Well, from what I know of Severus, he’s pish. Anyone who likes him is a pap._

**Your Scot is showing.**

_And you’re a numpty._

**You keep calling me that.**

**What’s it?**

_A loveable idiot._

**Aww!**

**Pish? Pap?**

_Rubbish and fool._

**Thanks for the Scot translation.**

_Yoo’re welcome._

**You’re such a cute Scotty.**

_Gae awa’._

**Silly Remus.**

_Thes conversation is dain. Cheerio th' noo._

**Bye Remus.**

* * *

 

[Tuesday October 11th – Early evening]

**[pic]**

_This is?_

**[pic]**

_Sirius?_

**[pic]**

_Please explain?_

**I’m shopping for cards.**

**Which do you like?**

_Why?_

**Thinking about coming out to James.**

**In a card, course**

**Which would you like?**

_I don’t know._

_Have you thought about this? Is this a good idea?_

**I don’t know.**

**He’s my best mate.**

**I don’t want to keep lying to him**.

_What if he doesn’t accept you?_

**Good riddance?**

_Think about it first Sirius. Maybe introduce him to the ideas of the gender spectrum and sexuality before dropping the bombshell on him._

**Oh**

**Okay.**

**How?**

_Books. Internet. Gay pride parade._

**Gay pride parade?**

_IDK_

**You’re no help.**

**But thanks.**

**I don’t want to lose James, even if he’s a git.**

_Didn’t think you would._

_Why’d you want to know though?_

**Lily suggested it.**

**I was complaining about James calling me a bird.**

_Ah._

_Lily can be great, but she’s a bit shoot first, ask questions later kind of gal._

**Yeah. Kind of noticed.**

**Anyway, I gtg. Shopkeeper is eyeing my like I’m a thief.**

_Ciao. Don’t get arrested._


	4. The Fourth Text

[Friday October 14th – Mid-morning]

**So I’m not in trouble**

**And I’m not upset**

**Is it still okay to text you?**

_You have to ask?_

**Well?**

_I don’t think we were talking about music because you were upset or troubled. But to answer your question, feel free to text me anytime._

**Cool. Just kind of want to talk right now.**

**James is out with Marlene.**

**Regulus is probably wanking to Playgirls.**

**Lily hasn’t texted me back.**

**And I don’t have anyone else.**

_You don’t have to explain. I’m happy to talk whenever._

**Cor. What’s your favourite colour?**

_Um… I don’t have one? Maybe brown?_

**Brown? Lame!**

**Mine’s red, btw.**

_That’s nice. Very vivacious._

**Vivacious? You are being la-ame.**

_Thanks for the insults._

_So I was reading through our texts at work last night and I noticed you mentioned James calls you Pads?_

**Short for Padfoot.**

**It has nothing to do with menstruation.**

**My family is so inbred that half of us are infertile.**

**I’m a part of that half, thank God.**

_Ah._

_So where does Padfoot come from then?_

**The Padfoot of course, you know, ghostly black dogs reported to roam the UK.**

_Cú Síth._

**Yeah that, you great Scot.**

_How’d you get it?_

**I like dogs, I’m named after the dog star, and my last name is Black.**

**It fits.**

**You have any nicknames?**

_I don’t think the self-deprecating Werewolf McWerewolf counts in that question._

**Werewolf McWerewolf?**

_My name is Remus Lupin. Remus was raised by a wolf, and Lupin is derived from lupines, or Latin for wolf-like._

**Ah.**

**I’ll come up with something better.**

_I look forward to it._

**Soo oo…**

_Soo oo?_

**You have a strong accent?**

_Very._

**Like really strong?**

**Like I wouldn’t understand you strong?**

_I’ve been raised in the backwoods of Scotland my entire life. I’ve lived in towns where Gaelic is more known than English._

**GAELIC?**

**YOU SPEAK GAELIC?**

_Tha, beagan._

**WHAT DID YOU SAY?**

_Yes, a little._

**Oh.**

_I’m not fluent but I’m conversational._

_Though if we meet, you likely will think I am fluent in some language other than English._

_That thick._

**My disappointment is gone. This is the best news ever.**

_I don’t understand?_

**I don’t really understand either.**

**But I love accents.**

**Especially strong ones.**

_'En yoo'll be erse ay tit fur mah accent._

**I think so?**

**That is I’ll be arse of tit for you accent right?**

_Och aye._

**I have no idea what you’re saying.**

_Ye loch th' accents._

**Okay switch back to English or this conversation ends.**

_Ur ye sure? ye said ye loch it?_

**Cheerio Mr Scot.**

_Cheerio th' noo padfit._

* * *

 

[Friday October 14th – Evening]

**So my English teacher is a Scot.**

**I asked her if she spoke Gaelic.**

**She glared at me, rolled her eyes, and told me:**

**“Miss Black, one more off-topic question and I will be seeing you in detention.”**

_We Scots don’t like stereotypes._

_Also remember, the only reason I speak Gaelic is I spent half my childhood being ushered from one backwards, Gaelic-speaking village to another so the fact I was molested didn’t come to light._

**I’m not sure what to say to that.**

_Oh I don’t know: yeah, maybe I should’ve thought about that._

**Did I upset you?**

_Nope._

_If you haven’t noticed I don’t mind talking about it. It was a part of my life and I embrace that whole-heartedly. It’s not something I actively advertise but if you know, I won’t shy away from mentioning it._

**Well that’s good.**

_Ya._

_So does she speak Gaelic?_

**Oh. No.**

_Shame. It’s definitely an interesting language to learn. Not very useful now, but interesting. Language learning in general is an amazing thing._

**I feel like I shouldn’t say what I’m thinking.**

_It’s true._

**I know, I know.**

**I’m fluent in French.**

**My family is old, rich, inbred, and French.**

_Okay._

_One of these things is not like the other._

**The inbreeding I’ve mentioned, but to elaborate:**

**My parents are first cousins.**

_You’ve mentioned such._

**Shush.**

**My great grandmother married her brother.**

**I’m pretty sure my mother wants me to ‘marry’ Reg.**

**Which of course couldn’t happen legally but…**

**No one in the family would care.**

**They’d applaud it actually – keeping the blood pure and all that nonsense.**

**That’s just the beginning.**

**It’s also been suggested that Reg should marry our cousin Narcissa.**

_Wow. Your family is fucked up._

**Yes, yes, I know.**

**We’re surprisingly beautiful for all the inbreeding.**

_Good on you._

_I’m not sure what I can say to all this inbreeding talk. May we change the subject now? Anything is better than this._

**Kay. Sorry for making you uncomfortable.**

_Not uncomfortable, just not sure what to say._

**Sooo oo**

_Umm :/_

**Reg is done with detention. ttyl**

_Bye_.

* * *

 

[Saturday October 15th – Evening]

**AyyyEE**

_Aye?_

**YoU r gonna**

**lol**

_I’m being texted by a drunk. Wonderful._

**DRiNK!!!**

**YOu hd VoDKa?**

_Are you drinking vodka?_

**YEAh iTs rUsssian iT burnS**

_I’ve heard it has a tendency to do that._

**BuMMblebee s**

_Someone needs to take your phone from you. Now. Is your brother with you?_

**i BET you WiSh hE waS**

**HeS prety kute**

_I’m sure he is but is he with you?_

**N O**

**i DitcHed hIm**

_Well, be careful and please return to him._

**i tHink u waNt ME**

_I just want you to be careful._

**OoOH, im gon to asstronmy tooWeR!**

**byeeeeeeeeeeeee sucka!**

_BE CAREFUL!_

* * *

 

[Sunday October 16th – Mid-morning]

**I regret everything.**

_I was expecting this text._

**Oh god.**

**I didn’t.**

**I DID.**

_Yes, you did._

**I am sooo sorry.**

**Forget everything I said**

**Especially anything flirty**

**I’m a flirty drunk**

_Should I also forget you insinuating that I want your brother?_

**Yes. Oh God yes.**

_Good thing I already did._

_Sooo…_

**Oh god**

**The astronomy tower text**

_I was curious. Care to share?_

**The astronomy tower is known for uhm…**

**Less than savoury things**

**And a boy asked me to go up there with him and I was going to and Regulus found me.**

_Good. Very good._

**Yeah.**

**To make things worse: it was Mulciber – the boy.**

_That makes Regulus finding you even better._

**Yes. In fact, I need to thank him immediately.**

**After I finding some ibuprofen.**

_I concur._

**Bye.**

_Good luck._

* * *

 

It didn’t take long for Sirius to find the ibuprofen. James was laying on the couch in the common room holding the bottle against his head, his eyes closed, as he waited for it to kick in. When Sirius appeared, James quickly tossed it over and pointed to a glass of water on the table.

Regulus was significantly harder to find.

Sirius did find Regulus, but it wasn’t like descending a staircase and having it right there. It took scouring the entire castle, then the grounds, and finally half the castle again until he found his brother sitting in the sill of a third-floor window looking positively glum.

“Ello?” Sirius had meant for the greeting to come out chipper and sure, but instead it came out hesitant and questioning. Regulus turned a sharp, grey glare in his direction before looking back out the window. Sirius sighed.

“If it’s something I said or did while drunk, I can’t be held accountable.”

“You can be held accountable for getting drunk,” muttered Regulus.

Sirius smiled. “So it was something I did while drunk?”

The smile fell when Regulus responded. “No. It was something James Potter did.” Regulus spat out James’ name like it would give him Cancer.

Not good.

Regulus turned to look at his brother who was doing his best to imitate a fish out of water and rolled his eyes. “Your drunk friend kissed me and then said ‘ _I knew you were a poofter!_ ’ before traipsing back to his friends and alcohol.”

Oh. Really not good.

“He was drunk!”

Regulus cut him off before he could defend James further. “That’s not the problem!” Sirius blinked at him. Regulus sighed. “The problem is I understand… how you feel and stuff… because, y’know.” Silence spanned between them; Sirius trying to summon the words to comfort his brother and Regulus lost in thoughts of a future he was staring up the barrel of.

“It hurts.”


	5. The Fifth Text

[Monday October 17th – Past midnight]

**Well fuck.**

_You’ve got fifteen minutes; I’m on break._

**Don’t know if I can explain this in fifteen minutes.**

_I’m working graveyard so you probably have more. Fifteen is all I can guarantee though._

**Okay.**

**So something happened at the party**

**Not to me, but to Reg**

**And it involved James**

_Doesn’t Regulus like James?_

**That is part of the problem.**

_Ah._

**James, who was very drunk, kissed Regulus**

**Then made an incredibly homophobic comment.**

_Ah._

**That all you can say?**

_Shush. That it?_

**Nope, sadly.**

**Regulus is really depressed and James is avoiding me.**

_Avoidance seems like an admission of guilt, and if James didn’t think what he did was wrong, he wouldn’t feel guilty._

**But is it true?**

**Like, James comes from a really religious family**

**(like everyone I know does, but whatever)**

**And I know his parents aren’t supportive of LGBT stuff.**

_How so?_

**Okay so: his dad was a missionary to Ethiopia in the 1990s and that’s where he met James’ mum. They’re both really religious, think God brought them together and all that and they attend Sunday mass regularly and all that. I’m not sure how to explain but they are extreme Christians.**

**But more to the LGBT thing.**

**Dorea won’t let him watch wrestling cause it might turn him homosexual.**

**Both of them believe in the anti-straight agenda.**

**They gave money trying to stop Parliamentary from legalizing gay marriage.**

**When it happened, I wouldn’t be surprised if they cried and thought it was a loss for straight people everywhere.**

**They actually sent him to this boarding school because it was co-ed. They said if he’s gonna sin, that he better do it with women and not men.**

_That is just… wow._

**I told you this world I live in is fucked up.**

_I can’t believe I live on the same land mass as you. Honestly, who are you?_

**I’m a transmale living in the world of the British tory elite.**

_I still can’t believe this is real. Your life reads like a best-seller dystopian novel._

_I kind of want to write a book based on your life._

**Can you save the biography until after I come out?**

_Of course._

_Still might use it as general fodder for a novel._

**You’re a writer?**

_I’m a seventeen year old who has never attended a day of school in his life. No, I’m not a writer. I work the night shift at a petrol station. But I like writing and want to become a novelist._

**Oh.**

_You keep having that reaction. Does me mentioning my past make you uncomfortable? If so, I’m sorry._

**No. Yes. Sort of?**

**Like, I have no problem with the idea of it.**

**I hate that it happened and I hate you foster father but I’m not uncomfortable with the fact of it.**

**It’s just hard to comprehend you mentioning it like it’s no big deal.**

**Y’know?**

_I know; Lily is uncomfortable with it too. I can stop if you want?_

**No. It’s just something I need to wrap my head around.**

_I’ll still cut back a little._

**Alright.**

**So back to the issues at hand…**

_Talk to James. Maybe he does feel guilty. If not, tell him how you feel. Who knows what might happen._

**Thanks.**

_Of course. I’m here to help._

**I hope you know you’re more than that.**

**That you’re a friend.**

_Soppy much?_

**I was being serious!**

_Aren’t you always Sirius?_

**Jeesh. BYE!**

_Mar sin leat._

* * *

 

The following morning, James was seated with Frank Longbottom, Benjy Fenwick, and Caradoc Dearborn; two of which were people James knew for fact that Sirius couldn’t stand. Glancing around however, Regulus was nowhere to be seen.

This week was shaping up to be great.

“Sirius!” a rough voice called to him. Fabian Prewett was as he always was: tall, muscular, and smirking. His twin brother Gideon stood at his side, differentiated by his brown sweater instead of Fabian’s black one. Fabian and Gideon were the class clowns at Hogwarts, and two of the few people besides James and Regulus that Sirius trusted in any capacity.

“‘S been a while,” Gideon said, slinging an arm around Sirius’ shoulders.

“You’ve seemed a bit preoccupied,” Fabian continued, taking his place on the other side of Sirius.

“Indeed you have.” Gideon.

“And we think you…” Fabian.

“…Need a bit of pick-me-up.” Gideon.

If one wasn’t used to the Prewett twins, their heads likely would’ve been spinning. It was a game the twins loved to play; something Sirius had dubbed Confuse ‘Em and Rob ‘Em. The Prewetts were an old family but not a very wealthy one so Gideon and Fabian, the trouble-makers they were, occasionally resorted to illegal means to send some money back to their sister Molly and mother Margaret. Sirius didn’t judge them for it but he knew them too well to fall for it.

“And what do you suggest?” Sirius asked with a grin.

“A game,” they responded in unison.

This game the Prewett twins were suggesting fit the word revenge more than it fit game. James had borrowed something from the Prewett twins and consequently lost it, earning him the ire of the mischief makers.

“We’ve noticed he’s avoiding you,” the twins had said in unison. “I don’t care what you lover’s spat is about,” Fabian had continued, netting him an awkward cough from Sirius, “but,” Gideon continued, “we know you want revenge too and we,” he glanced at his twin, “know you’ll be perfect.”

The plan involved sneaking into James’ dorm room (Fabian was a master lock-picker), keeping James distracted for the day (Gideon would be accomplishing this, though through which method Sirius had no idea and wanted no idea of knowing Gideon), and doing laundry (which was, of course, relegated to the _woman_ ). Peanut oil, which James was mildly allergic too, and fiberglass insulation were also involved.

It wasn’t until lunch the next day that James gave up and went to the hospital wing with only a mild rash yet itching like mad and the three pranksters bent over their lunch laughing.

* * *

 

[Tuesday October 18th – Mid-afternoon]

**I do believe I’ve done a terrible thing yet I don’t regret it one bit.**

_The makings of a sociopath in a nutshell._

**Hardy har har.**

_Sooo, what did you do?_

**Possibly washed the clothes of a man with a mild peanut allergy in peanut oil than tossed in so fiberglass insulation while drying them for good measure.**

**He deserved it, just so we’re clear**

**For what he did to Reg.**

_That type of logic is the trademark of a sociopath. You realize that right?_

**Again, hardy har har.**

_I’m just a bit concerned. You would be too you know, if I started going on about hurting people and LIKING it._

**First off, I didn’t say I liked it**

_It was implied._

**Shush.**

**Secondly, he did deserve it!**

**He hasn’t apologized, he’s making no move to do so, and he’s flat out avoiding us.**

**And it’s got Reg all depressed – didn’t see him yesterday or today.**

_Perhaps you should be more focused on finding him then getting revenge. I don’t know your brother but you do remember how we met, correct?_

**What’s that got to do w anything.**

**Oh.**

**Fuck.**

**I’ve got to run.**

_I wish you all the luck in finding your brother safe._

* * *

 

He both hated and loved Remus for putting the idea in his head. Hated him because of the worry and panic that arose in him, and loved him because he didn’t know if he’d be able to live without Regulus.

He looked up and down Hogwarts, stumbled across multiple snogging couples in various stages of undress, and even stopped a kid under the Hanging Willow (though it wasn’t Regulus).

Sirius knew Hogwarts like the back of his hand. He knew all the secret rooms and passages (there were a lot of them). Yet somehow his little brother managed to evade him at every turn. With every second that passed and every room checked that didn’t reveal Regulus to him, worry grew strong in his heart.

What if Regulus was dead? What if he found him sitting there, covered in blood from wounds on his wrists, cold and unbreathing? Or what if he found him dangling from a rope, a chair kicked aside? He wasn’t sure what he would do if Regulus was dead. Regulus had always been such an important person in his life – even if Regulus hadn’t openly supported him, he’d been the only one he’d known for years who had supported him in any sense. He certainly was the only family member that would ever supported (well, maybe Andromeda would but he wasn’t even sure where she was anymore).

His fingers wrapped around the handle of another door to what he expected would be another empty class. It wasn’t.

It was Regulus.

And James.

Kissing.


End file.
